The Morning After for Simmons

Friday SRAM featured a thorough exposure and subsequent dismantling by Craig Hansen (not no relation) of Bill Simmons' anti-Peyton bias and general know-it-all arrogance of all things NFL. So today let's do a little morning-after follow-up in light of yesterday's games.

We'll start with Manning, who was facing Houston at home. His line:

18-27 320 YDS 5 TD 2 INT

Only the third time this year that he has thrown 5 touchdown passes in one game, tying the NFL record. And he did it in the first 3 quarters. Against Green Bay, he threw all 5 in the first half. Needless to say, he is still on pace to break the season records for touchdown passes and quarterback rating. He would fall just a couple of hundred yards short of Marino's record for yards. And oh by the way, he's playing in what some consider the best division in football. Not me, though. I loved Krusty.

And how about that terrible Indianapolis defense, eh? Giving up touchdowns so fast that Manning gets back on the field before he can swig a gatorade! Actually, Houston scored a whooping two touchdowns, both essentially meaningless, and the Colts' defense scored two touchdowns themselves, after which Manning no doubt trotted back out onto the field, only to realize that it was the Texans receiving the ensuing kickoff. And anyway, what's so great for your offensive stats about having a horrible defense that routinely gives up long, sustained drives to the other team? Wouldn't a 3-and-out type of defense be better? Get you better field position, too, for the TD passes? Help me out here, Bill.

(And let me anticipate another argument here: "Manning just tosses the ball and his receivers run all the way down the field!" Actually, I'm old enough to remember 1984, and that's exactly what they were saying about Marino, too, with his two main guys Duper and Clayton. Remember them? As I recall, the record still counted anyway.)

Okay, so Simmons is clearly too blinded by his infatuation with Saint Brady to see what everyone else sees: that Manning is the MVP so far. But in the long run, he knows more than the unwashed heathen, right? Surely his in-depth knowledge allows him to separate the winners from the losers? Of course!

But not according to his weekly picks. I will give Simmons credit for fighting the good fight, for putting himself on the line each week and publishing his picks for all the world to see and mock. But he needs to correctly pick tonight's Eagles-Cowbs game just to get up to a 6-8 record for--get this--the 5th time in 6 weeks! Quite a run. In fairness, this still leaves him over .500 (72-68-4) for the year, but his "50 games over .500" guarantee made in September just ain't happening. Turns out--what a surprise--he isn't any better than anyone else at picking against the spread. No shame in that, of course. Just stop writing your columns like you're smarter than everyone in the NFL.