Dr. Z: Grouchier than SRAM?

Yes, I think I may have found someone who can actually take on this blog head-to-head in terms of grouchiness. Dr. Z of cnnsi.com has his 7th Annual TV Commentator Awards column up today and it is for the most part the work of a grumpy old man who thinks things were better in the old days. It's fantastic!

Dr. Z starts out by announcing that there will be no awards for any of the various pregame shows, "because -- and how can I say this without sounding like I'm about 90 years old -- the shows are basically top-of-the-head garbage." He hates all the new trends in these shows:

You know, the quick Q&As. What does Jake Delhomme like better, hunting or fishing? What do all of them like better, Play Station II or Xbox? My goodness, they're asking about toys. Toys! Why not just get my 4-year old grand-daughter on there. Natasha, what's better, jacks or Slinky?

...And this is what we must listen to, pretending it has been created by adults, for adult consumption. Insults such as that horribly dull, wooden "You've Been Sacked" that masqueraded as halftime entertainment on the Monday night show -- before it got sacked itself. ESPN's Stuart Scott on the Monday Night Countdown, previewing St. Louis-Green Bay: "A game so silly good it'll make you want to sop it up with a biscuit."

Announcers, ye be warned: Dr. Z takes his football seriously. The man doesn't want to see the NFL descend into the comic-book entertainment genre that the NBA has become. I, of course, am on his side, although I do think that occasionally he takes it a bit too far in his awards. For example, he gives highest marks to those play-by-play announcers that tell you every single substitution that goes on between plays. "Makes my job so much easier." I hate to say this, but 90% of the viewers don't care about that, Doc! We're not writing articles after the game is over. Yes, let's focus on the meat of the game, but let's remember that it's not the commentators' job to help you with yours.

But in general, the column is a model example of holding the announcers accountable for what they say. In other words, he's stealing my bit! At the top of his chart come the good announcers, and he explains why he likes 'em; for example, about Randy Cross:

I also liked his observation in the San Diego-KC game in Week 12, matching the the two best tight ends in the game, Antonio Gates and Tony Gonzalez. Did he get all gushy about this pair? He did not. He mentioned that it really bugged him that two receivers of this caliber could come off the line totally unmolested and allowed to waltz into the secondary free as birds.

Bill Maas gets good marks, except for the all-too-familiar sports announcer problem:

Bill, I tell you this as a friend. You must try to cut down on the Leo Gorcey-style malaprops. "It's time to button down the hatches ... The Carolina defense is starting to wilter a bit," etc.

Actually, Dr. Z, those announcer malapropisms are often the best part of game! Things really get good when he talks about the Fox #1 team. I apologize for the length of this quote, but since it makes SRAM look so good, I am obliged to run the whole thing:

I had them at three stars, right until the Minnesota-Green Bay wild-card contest. That one dropped 'em. Brett Favre apologists abound, but when the guy screws it up, for Pete's sake say it, don't cop out every time. No interception was his fault; it was always the guy running the pattern. How about the one where he overthrew Javon Walker, and Collinsworth said Walker had screwed it up because he was supposed to run a flat pattern instead of going downfield? Uh, if Favre were expecting him to run to the flat, instead of downfield, he would have underthrown the ball, not overthrown it. And then when Favre pulled that weirdie at the end of the half, near the Vikings goal line, running three yards past the line and underhanding it to Walker in the end zone ... and drawing a penalty...and then laughing about it. We heard this from Collinsworth: "The funniest part was Walt Anderson, the referee, could barely make the call without laughing." Hey, I watched Anderson, too, and I didn't see the hint of a smile. And the guys on the Packers weren't laughing after Ryan Longwell missed the subsequent field goal. This is what is known as dishonest reporting. But when Randy Moss caught the fourth-quarter TD and treated the Packer crowd to a dry moon that lasted exactly one second, that's all, we had to listen to this blather from Buck, who got his panties all in a knot: "That is a disgusting act by Randy Moss and it's unfortunate that we had that on our air live." Well, if no one would get to see it, then how could you get anyone to agree with you, Joe Baby? But the thinking of a guy like this extends only so far.

About Dick Stockston and Daryl Johnston:

Worse is the way they push the super-stars. Giants-Dallas again, this time the dark side. Roy Williams delivers a cheap shot to Amani Toomer's back. They're all raving about Williams. Another Ronnie Lott, etc. "He's really something," Tony Siragusa says from the field. Next play Toomer gets even. He cuts Williams, takes him off his feet, as Tiki Barber goes 55 yards on a screen pass. "His man vacated the area," Johnston says, without mentioning that said man was the great Williams, the second coming of Ronnie Lott.

Pushing the superstars. We've groused about that a time or two around here, haven't we? He thinks Tim Green has shown improvement:

Green, a former DE, is one of the few analysts who knows what's happening up front. And he's gotten away from that inspirational lecture circuit of his.

Love that line. Michaels and Madden get panned for sleep-walking through this year's MNF snoozefest, but the Doc's most venomous jabs are aimed at ESPN's Sunday Night Football team:

Maguire on Cleveland-Baltimore, Week 9: "Jamal Lewis averages six yards a carry. All you have to do is keep giving it to him, and you'll keep getting in second-and-four situations." My God! Brian Billick must be told immediately! Theismann, Bills-Patriots, Week 10, after Brady throws a pick: "You've got to figure the receiver went where he shouldn't." Absolutely. Great QBs never throw interceptions on their own. And through all this, the slow, half goofy drone of Patrick, with every word emphasized, no matter how meaningless. "And tonight! We have sixty-three! Thousand! Fans!" (Whew). Oh, we get some inside stuff all right. Theismann on his exclusive interview with Pittsburgh defensive coach Dick LeBeau during the Steelers-Jaguars telecast: "I saw Dick LeBeau before the game, and I told him, 'Nice to have you back,' and do you know what he told me?" No, what? "Nice to be back."

Anyway, it's all in the article ("Verbatim!"). If I see many more columns like this, I might have to open a new Hall of Fame for Sensible Reporting. Not too worried about that yet, though.