The Bill Simmons Face

The steroid situation is blowing up and espn.com couldn't be happier. So naturally we will ignore them to address what's really important: Bill Simmons' continued arrogance in the face of a stunningly mediocre record picking against the spread: 86-85-5 through Week 12. ("Stunningly mediocre." Ya like that?)

Yep, .503. A whooping three thousandths of a point above the waterline. And yet the man is still brazen enough to run a column today wherein he devotes the first thousand words or disclosing his spending plans for all the cash he's going to win betting on the two NFC games the first week of the playoffs.

In fact, there's a decent chance that one or more of the following QBs -- Joey Harrington, Shaun King, Vinny Testaverde, Eli Manning, Chad Hutchinson, John Navarre, Brian Griese, Aaron Brooks -- could be making an appearance as a starter in Round 1. If this happens, you might never hear from me again after that week -- I'll be parking my new yacht in Greece next to the Onassis family.

What, are you betting a million bucks a game or something, Bill? 'Cause that's how much you'd have to be wagering to be at the yacht point so far in the regular season, what with that +1 total and all. Because here's the thing, SG. Those playoff games are also against the spread. And believe it or not, you are not the only person in the world who knows about the bad QBs. Nor about this whole home-field-advantage thing. Which is why, of course, you're down to one nostril sucking oxygen after 12 weeks of making picks.

I will give Simmons props for taking national media members to task for being up in arms about an 8-8 or even 7-9 team making the playoffs. "Revamp the whole playoff system!" What? Who cares? If they make the playoffs, they make the playoffs. Then they lose. That's how it works. And I can't wait to see someone make the argument that the games end up being blow-outs. Because in that case, shouldn't we just shut down the Super Bowl?

("Shut down the Super Bowl": the ultimate reductio ad absurdum argument!)

But the column really gets good (as it always does) when he starts talking about Manning. It's been a couple of weeks, because he's needed time to cook up a new why-Peyton-sucks theory in the face of his record-setting year:

Here's why Belichick would never allow Peyton Manning's pursuit of Marino's record to dominate his team: Every time Manning goes back to pass, that's another play for someone to study on film, which Belichick strives to avoid. In fact, some believe that he plays possum from time to time, like during the Arizona-Buffalo-Miami stretch earlier in the season -- when the team did juuuuuuuuuuust enough to win in all three games, saving itself (and any trick plays, blitz packages and the like) for the Seahawks and Jets in Weeks 6 and 7. Or like the stretch they're entering now -- at Cleveland, home for Cincy, at Miami -- before the big Jets game in Week 16.

That's right. Those mediocre outings? Allll part of the master plan. Then later:

Indianapolis 49, Tennessee 21. Congrats, guys -- you did it again. You still have to win consecutive games in New England and Pittsburgh next month.

(Seriously, does it help the Colts for Manning to throw another TD when they're already winning by 25? That's all about ego at that point. And if he's slumping off the field in January again -- the chin strap dangling from his helmet, making the Peyton Manning Face because Pittsburgh or New England "miraculously" forced him into four killer turnovers -- maybe he'll realize that you can't win the Super Bowl in November, and you certainly can't win it by scoring 131 points in three games against Houston, Chicago and Detroit. None of this crap matters. January is the only month that matters. End of story.)

Quick! Somebody call up Peyton and tell him to stop giving away all their plays!

(This is just between you and me, because I actually like the Colts, and I want them to continue doing well, so this can't leave these four walls, but after studying film for several hours I have discovered that the Colts' bread-and-butter play is the play-action pass over the middle. SHHHHHH!!!! Shut UP! Belichick might hear!)

The Sports Guy is great, but these days never funnier than when he starts talking about Peyton Manning. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the Bill Simmons Face.