Patrick Hruby makes The Leap

If it's Monday morning, it must be time for SRAM to find something stupid being said on espn.com's Snap Judgment. You knew it was coming in today's column when the moderator asked, "Which would be more impressive: Manning breaking Marino's TD record or Vick breaking the rushing yards record?"

A question this obvious is bound to fool only the very dumbest of our Snap Judgment panelists. Which was, in fact, literally the case, as Patrick Hruby (who else!) came up with the following genius response:

At least as impressive? Think more impressive. As my esteemed colleagues have mentioned on more than one occasion, Manning's gaudy passing numbers are aided and abetted by a first-rate supporting cast. Moreover, they happen when everyone does their jobs, and does them well. Line blocks, Harrison runs route, Manning makes throw. Paydirt. As for Vick? His yards mostly come when everything breaks down. He's yanking rabbits from musty top hats, turning lemons into cool, refreshing cocktails. He's doing it to opponents who are keying on him (no disrespect to the immortal Warrick Dunn and Peerless Price). And keep this in mind: While NFL rules continually are tweaked to promote passing -- as Cameron Diaz so eloquently put it in "Any Given Sunday," "people want passes, Tony, they want touchdowns!" -- they're never changed to boost scrambling. Literally and figuratively, the Vicks of the league are on their own.

Unbelievable! Does Hruby own a TV? How about a computer? Maybe he gets the newspaper? Because somebody has got to get ahold of the man and show him the results from yesterday. According to my sources (and I'm not sure how reliable they are, since it's so hard to verify this data), Manning's team scored 51 points yesterday. Fourth straight week over 40, by the way. Ties a record (so which is more impressive...never mind). On pace to break the NFL team season scoring mark. Meanwhile, how many touchdowns did Vick's team score, while he was rushing for 81 yards? Three? Two? Maybe a field goal or two? Zero. Zero points for the game. 22nd in the league in scoring, by the way.

I realize, of course, that Hruby is taking advantage of the intentional vagueness of the term "impressive" in his response. I also realize that he does it just to be a contrarian and maybe get a rise out of people like me. The latter is no excuse, and it's my job to point out stupidity. As for the former, all I'm saying is that zero points is just not that impressive. Seems like the two--points scored and impressiveness--should dovetail a wee bit better than that.

I must admit that I got a little teary-eyed when I first read Hruby's response. I mean, the guy has shown promise all along this year, but would he be consistent? Could he keep it up over the long haul? Could he, for example, enter that I'm-a-Contrarian zone where he focuses so much on saying the opposite of everyone else that he becomes completely oblivious to the events of reality? Could he, as Bill Simmons would say, make The Leap and become canonized in the SRAM Hall of Elite Morons?

In a word, YES! That's why I am proud today to enshrine Patrick Hruby in the official SRAM Hall, taking his rightful place alongside (though, it must be admitted, slightly below) Dan Shanoff as the second member of this honored class. Some people may argue that this is too soon. That the man has only been at it for a couple of months, and who knows, maybe he'll run out of stupid things to say. But I'm not worried. SRAM recognizes in Hruby that rare mix of arrogance, contrarian "thinking," and just enough knowledge to be dangerous--without the slightest tendency to ever resort to actual numbers--that made Shanoff great.

Now, you'll notice that we induct these guys before they retire. So it is possible for a reporter to lose his spot in this Hall through an extended series of sensible comments and lack of stupidity. And that would, frankly, be a teensy bit embarrassing for SRAM. But I'm not worried. Patrick, welcome to the Hall.

And now I suppose you're wondering who is on the Watch List for potential future inductees. Not as many as you might think. Len Paquarelli is just a matter of time, of course. The man is as consistent as a plow horse. I just have to get around to reading enough of his columns. Bill Simmons should never have even been in position to be on the Watch List, but this infatuation with Tom Brady has got him saying some unbelievably stupid things these days. If the Pats win the Super Bowl again, watch out. Dick Harmon will be there if our local sports scene ever gets tolerable enough to even pay attention to again. Peter Gammons just might get there on ego alone, but he does such a great job of fence-straddling that it would require some slippage. I would love to get Rob Dibble a lot more time in the blog, but the man doesn't write. (I'm not saying that literally. I think.)